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New Again Dear Leader to make a stellar announcement today

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Sandpit Exclusive

I am glad to be able to share with our readers the result of a leak from within the ALP of the New Again Dear Leader’s visionary plans to relocate our entire Air force to a brand new location with a new global mission. Today at the debate with Tony Abbott the New Again Dear Leader will be announcing that our primary air base will be the international space station which the New Again Dear Leader has agreed to buy at a minuscule Billion billion dollars. and to pay for this great leap forward the New Again Dear Leader will be instituting a new tax on orgasms made possible by the interactive possibilities of smart phone technology ,twitter and the NBN.

Find below an extract from a draft  the New Again Dear Leader’s opening speech also leaked to the Sandpit:

Friends we face the  great challenge of just how we can be a global player in the affairs of the world when we are so isolated in the southern hemisphere and all of the great theatres of war are in the north, So to answer this global challenge there can be only one way that we can have the correct technological specificity and ensure that we have the most certain suck of the sauce bottle we have to nationalise the international space station and make it the forward operating base for our aircraft. Of course Mister Abbott will tell you that this can not be done and that we as a nation can not afford  the cost of such a scheme but what else would you expect from the man who has been so negative? He has no vision and no understanding of the greatness that the Australian Labor Party can bring to this nation of ours.

Further on in the speech he explains just how  the orgasm tax will work:

Its is well known that we are a nation of innovators and that is why this new O-tax will be such a screaming success,  by implanting a sub-dermal micro chip under the skin of every Australian and linking their output to the NBN we will be able to tell when every Australian experiences orgasm and they will then be charged the minuscule sum of  $5.68.  to incentivise the nation there will be a discount for those who orgasm with the greatest frequency, so   with 24 million Aussies reaching a crescendo of pleasure, pulling for the nation so to speak, on a regular basis we will very quickly  accumulate enough funds to fund both the purchase the space station and the supporting infrastructure .

Being a man of political balance I have of course sought  out a response from the leader of the opposition and a spokesperson  for Tony Abbott told me this over the phone:

“Rudd is just projecting his masturbation fantasies here mate just as he is about moving the Navy north its all a load of rubbish about buying the space station however I do think the orgasm tax is a dinkum Idea from the New Again Dear Leader and its designed to drain the funds from the Greens who we all know are the biggest mob of wankers in the country …”

So in the end this is obviously the sort of nonsense that we can expect form a desperate regime who know that they are beaten and will promise the country the skies themselves even though they know and we know that they know that they are incapable of delivering any of their ever more fanciful wild promises.

Cheers Comrades

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Vale Neil Armstrong

I feel incredibly sad at this news and also incredibly grateful that the man who was first to step upon another planetary body was a genuinely humble man who had no taste for the limelight after his three short hours walking on the moon.

Mere words are not enough Comrades

Come One, Come All

I see the news that the government intends to pay people to house refugees in their homes, instead of keeping them in detention, was received with some excitement. I suppose lefties everywhere will be lining up for the privilege to welcome a refugee into their home and hearth.

No doubt David Marr and Annabel Crabb are clearing out their guest rooms as we speak.

This also explains why we haven’t heard much from Immigration Minister Chris Bowen. He’s been too busy shampooing (a Hindi word) the carpet and putting out the welcome rug. Not that the welcome rug hasn’t already been given a good airing with the government’s refugee welcome pack.

That’s the welcome pack that refugees receive upon arrival to our globally-warmed shores. The ‘Welcome Pack’ is a cornucopia of western delights: ipods, ray-bans, nikes, suitably themed t-shirts, a plasma TV the envy of NASA and a free connection to the NBN*.
(* booby prize)

Nonetheless, there could be problems. What if a refugee’s billet is somewhere other than the abode of a political or media elitist? Will there be ‘refuge’ envy?

Mustafa: ‘I got a Greenie in Paddington’
Mohammed; ‘Curses, I’m stuck in Lakemba with losers from Lebanon’.

In detention centres, detainees are supplied with cigarettes. Given that the stipend offered by the government is $300, that doesn’t leave much left for room and board.

If cigarettes aren’t provided by the host householder, do the refugees climb on the roof and set the house alight?

These are honest questions.

Given that most refugees today are Muslim, does this mean that the host householder need make his home ‘Islam friendly’?

Ditch the pornos, stop drinking grog and tell the daughter to cover up? Of course more serious is the issue of diet. Does a recipient of this proposed stipend have to guarantee that all food will be halal?

These are important questions.

Which leads me to one conclusion.

This hair-brained scheme, given that our current influx of ‘refugees’ is of the Muslim faith, the only suitable hosts Australia can provide are Muslims.

Perhaps this should be called ‘Sponsor Your Muslim Cousins’. Which means, as a government, we can’t give the dole to new arrivals, but if we give it to you to give to them, well, we’ve achieved our aim.

It’s an Open Door policy no matter how much Labor and the Greens deny it.

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