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Saving the right hands of the unworthy

I get a variety of newsletters popping up in my in-box many of them are pushing their own political barrows , both left and right,   but also some are about the cutting edge of technology well the piece I cite today just made me laugh out loud and think that a certain cadre of internet vigilantes will be rushing to contact the manufacturer to order their only chance of giving their right hands a rest from their insatiable need for self-pleasuring.

When the RealTouch device first lands on my doorstep, I'm surprised by the size of the package. Suddenly realizing how my missus feels, I quickly unbox it and lay the contents out on the kitchen table.

I have it on good authority that the owner of a site dedicated to attacking  Moi is seeking a discount for a group buy of this product.

I’ve tested a fair few gadgets in my time at Gizmag – from upmarket beanbags to high-powered motorcycles and smart pens. But I’ve never been asked to go this far outside my comfort zone for a story – even though our esteemed editorial team will probably tell you my whole life has been building to this moment.

Today, I’m road testing a masturbation device. And I’ve decided to put my name to it because I believe that for all the squeamish details you’re about to read, this is a significant piece of technology – a big step down a path that I think a lot of people will come to take for granted in the future.

I feel like a pioneer, one of the first in the mainstream Web media to put my penis where my mouth is. Of course, the truth is if I could do that, I wouldn’t need one of these things at all.

In essence, the Realtouch is a mechanical pleasure device that you stick your willy into, with a series of belts, rings, heaters and lubrication dispensers that can create a pretty broad range of sensations. What sets it apart is that it connects to your computer via USB, so it can be coded to synchronize with a porn video – or controlled by somebody else remotely.

So, be warned: grisly, NSFW descriptive content will follow.

Ok now that you have read the article and picked yourself up of the ground after your laughing fit  doesn’t it make you so proud that there are engineers and technicians out there working so hard to make the willies of the sad and lonely happy?  I can’t help imagining that that small cadre are going to be falling over themselves  and rushing to find out if they can get a discount for buying in bulk so that they can make their online circle jerk into something more tangible.

The real horror  is that I know that they are all visualising Moi as they furiously beat their meat  with the help of   electronic devices.  What sad lonely lives they must have.

Cheers Comrades


hmm what is not to like about a pretty girl with a nice smile…

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