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A very funny piece of mockery of Labor from Joe Hildebrand


These are dark days for the revolution. Reactionary forces are amassing against us.

Since seizing the capitol during the glorious people’s struggle of Year Zero (or 2010 in the old language) the counter-revolutionaries have waged a deliberate campaign of destabilization.

To begin with, my brothers, our enemies have infiltrated the fourth estate. Even the once loyal state-owned media has been sabotaged, with the formerly proud revolutionary bastions of Media Watch and Dateline now locked in a vicious fight to the death over who is best place to report on US military imperialism in the Middle East.

We suspect this internal corrosion has been caused by either SBS’s decision to allow advertising or the CIA. The only media outlet we can now rely on for support is John Pilger.

We are also under renewed attack from the bourgeoisie after our Dear Leader exposed a counter-revolutionary cell in Forestvillegrad. Reactionary local activists have waged a disinformation war seeking to disorient us by interchanging the terms “North Shore” and “Northern Beaches” so that our forces will be confused during the planned landing. We must tread carefully comrades. This has “Bay of Pigs” written all over it.

So too have the industrialist oligarchs exploited the injustice of the economic landscape to redistribute their wealth into propaganda machines clearly intent on the destruction of the workers’ government. I speak of course of Fairfax and Channel Ten.

For too long comrades we were deceived by both organisations. Their much vaunted display of adhering to socialist ideals by constantly losing money was in fact an elaborate ruse.

Like many of you, I too believed The Renovators was a noble-minded effort to redistribute advertising revenue to other networks, and that the Sydney Morning Herald’s endless series on Marrickville breakfast spots was an effort to distract Eastern Suburbs readers from underground revolutionary activity.

Sadly, we were mistaken. These organisations are now held captive by their capitalist overlords. TV executives, my media advisers inform me, really do control the means of production.

Many of you may recall a similar set of circumstances in the last days of Rudd the Oppressor, when the capo-fascists employed the new medium of “television” to communicate with the masses. Their campaign of fear and destruction manipulated people into mindlessly doing their bidding—at least those of us in the caucus room anyway. It must not be allowed to happen again.

We must also consider the possibility that we ourselves have been infiltrated. As you know we have already had a scare with Comrade Shorten, whom we suspected of being a double agent. Indeed the party was only spared thanks to Comrade Shorten’s quick thinking in explaining that it was the rest of us who were double-agents and he was on the right side all along. Obviously this is not an exercise that bears repeating. And we can’t afford to send the whole caucus to re-education camp again.

For this reason I have drawn up a new list of people suspected of disloyalty:

1. Combet, Greg

Again, we thank Comrade Shorten for his assistance in this matter.

We must also remain vigilant against other types of suspicious behaviour, as well as rewarding good service. Obviously anyone who puts the interests of the party first, performs well on their feet and shows natural leadership qualities belongs in the former category and will be punished accordingly.

As Comrade Crean so eloquently puts it, it’s a fine line between “charisma” and “capitalisma”. And they say socialists are humourless!

So let us go forth into the community and disseminate our glorious manifesto. Only by spreading a message of tolerance, inclusiveness and national unity can we truly lay waste to the capo-fascist pigdogs and shove their filthy backs against the wall.

In Solidarity,

Comrade One

PS Don’t forget it’s feminist theology night at the student union. Everybody bring a plate!

And cheers from me too Comrades

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