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The horror of #Foetal Twitter Syndrome


Here at the Sandpit we are rather critical of Twitter, for its inanity and the way that its streams make no sense. However we do recognise that for some people using twitter is rather like a form of electronic substance abuse. And like the over use of alcohol causes Foetal alcohol syndrome I think that the next disease that should concern us is Foetal Twitter Syndrome

The Kickbee was created by New York interaction designer and applications developer Corey Menscher, when his own wife was expecting. It contains piezioelectric vibration sensors, which emit small but detectable voltages when triggered by in-belly activity. An onboard microcontroller analyzes those electrical signals, then transmits the data to a computer via Bluetooth. A Java app on that computer analyzes the sensor values, and selects an appropriate Twitter text message based on what Junior is apparently up to. The resultant tweets can be sent to mobile phones anywhere in the world, or saved as an archive for monitoring the health of the fetus… that, or perhaps for later “Look what you put me through!” usage.

Presumably, the system is able to tell the difference between kicks and intestinal gas.

The symptoms of this terrible condition are a stunted communication ability which finds the poor victims unable to utter any sentence longer than one hundred and forty characters, a compulsive attraction to mobile telephonic devices, and an impossibly short attention span.
There is no known cure
The best thing just has to be prevention If you know a young twitter addict who is pregnant it is vital that you contact your local heath authorities so that an intervention can be arranged before they start abusing the unborn child with a device like the one in this article. By the time that the start mainlining the child on these sorts of devices the next horrid step is a series of tweets like these:

@mum Titty now!!
@mum Oh poo #nappyrash
@mum Wiggles Now#wakeupjeff

Please give generously to end this horrid condition
Cheers Comrades



  1. Ray Dixon says:

    I dunno, Iain, maybe it’s not a bad idea to keep them out of the real world and on their Twitters where pretty soon no one will bother with what is said there. I mean, for God’s sake, they are taking themselves so far out of the debate that even when they lamely try to limp back in, they can only talk gibberish. I puts non-Twitter addicts at a distinct advantage. To start with, we can actually think and articulate on issues.

  2. Ray Dixon says:

    “It” puts non-Twitter addicts at a distinct advantage

  3. Ray Dixon says:

    Actually Iain, I have a suggestion for *some* people who comment here. I think it would be a good idea if they tried Twitter for a while. My reasons are:

    1) It would teach them how to be more succinct in their delivery.
    2) They could revell in their anonymity, slagging off whoever they like without fear of moderation.
    3) It would distract them from here.

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