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The Archibald – I criteak the finalists and give you the winnar

Whilst we are on the subject of “art” (NOT as defined by Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert ‘I think stacking bricks is art’ Doyle), let’s take a look at the 34 finalists of the infarmous Archibald prize for portrayts. Now I have narrowed it down a bit and come up with a shore fire winner. Here we go:

No. Danny Green is not ‘the man’. Where is Mundine?

I do not know who Paul Newton is so let this be a lesson to all wannabe Archibald entrants: If you are going to do a self portrayt then (1) Make sure you are important enough first. (2) Do not do it after a night on the drugs.

And I do not know who Geoff Ostling is either – and I do not want to know about his tattooed arse.

But I know who is this and it’s pretty good. But Malcolm Fraser is not exactly a man-of-the-moment.

I think that Portraytts of ‘Damien the Omen’ should be banned.

And so should portrayts of First Fleet convicts.

Is he one of the ‘Scared weird little guys’?

Oh, another self-portraytt by another unknown artist (and it is rather plain don’t you think?). I prefurred the guy on drugs.

I did not think they allowed photos in the Archibald, but I guess they make exceptions for very rootable chicks like Kate Ceberano, even though she’s in the cougar category now.

Who the hell is Andrew Upton and why pick an ugly guy as your subject?

It looks like the artist tried to do a Van Gough style portriat of Bob Dylan – and failed.

A drunk Max Walker does not make a great subject. Nor would a sober one.

And the winner is:

Doylie !!!

If this portrait of our Lord Mayor of Melbourne, Robert ‘I love lesbian “artist” chicks stacking bricks’ Doyle, does not win the first prize then I will personally stack bricks not 1.5 metres high, but 2.5 metres high, in Federation Square and Birrung Marr (wherever the f*ck that is) for NO COST AT ALL – and in the nude – and without sun screen ……… In a word!


6 Comments

  1. Iain Hall says:

    Nice post Socky 🙂
    I think that I will have to make you this blog’s official Artz and kulyure correspondent!!!
    But you left out one portrait that really should be in the running and it is this one.

  2. SockPuppet says:

    Iain I can only repeat my advise I gave to Paul Newton:

    If you are going to do a self portrayt then (1) Make sure you are important enough first. (2) Do not do it after a night on the drugs.

  3. Iain Hall says:

    Gee Socky you must realise that of course I have no trouble meeting the first requirement, wot wif me being such a famous blogger and all and as for the second does me being on the caffeine (not in the form of Lattes ) at the time I painted it count?

  4. SockPuppet says:

    Iain your painting is good but if you want to be a finalist I suggest you get well & truly plasterd then give it another try. The judges seem to like the stoned affect.

  5. Iain Hall says:

    Bugger!
    I would have to go against the sobriety pledge that I have taken 😦

  6. mel says:

    do you realise that 1. paul newton is famous??? he paints portraits and he painted a specially commissioned painting for St Mary’s Cathedral called Our Lady of the Southern Cross,and he got to meet the pope after doing so.
    and 2.he wasnt on drugs.he had recently lost his father and couldnt sleep.when he woke up he saw how dreadful he looked and decided to paint his self portrait.

    his paintings was one of the best this year in the archibald

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