Iain Hall's SANDPIT

(by Sockpuppet)

After last weeks raging success its a wonder I am still doing this. Let me explain something for the unAFLtipseducated:

The AFL has a habit – a very annoying habit – of giving names to some of its rounds. Youknow stuff like ‘Indigenus Round’, ‘Heritage Round’ and ‘Rivalry Round’. Real clever names like that.

So in the spirit of mockery I like to give every round a name of my owen. Last weeks was ‘Elephant in the room’ round in lew of Essendon being the drugcheating elephant-in-the-room that no one wants to admit exists. Its just all too hard for the AFL.

This week I am inspired by The worlds best newspaper (in there opinion) to dedicate the name of the round to the only place in Paul Keatingss ‘arse end of the world’ worth living in – V.I.C.T.O.R.I.A. And Dont blame me for that opinion – I am just the messenger.

The story starts here.

Or there.

On the next line.

After the dots.

Below.

……………………………………………………………..

It’s ‘Latte State’ round

I have said it before and I will say it again but I dont need to say it again because in todays Age (a Melbourne paper that is over-the-heads of people living in other States) has said it all for me in there groundbreaking article – Welcome to Victoria, the progressive state :

Politically, socially and culturally, Victorians are a breed apart from other Australians. Parochialism aside, Melbourne isn’t some backwater; it’s Australia’s fastest growing city and, by some accounts, will be its largest in a little over a decade.

I could not agree more. Victoria is The Garden State, On The Move, The Place To Be and whatever the next car rego plate says we are. Look at the other states (if you must and if you can stand to) – Sydneysiders are loudmouthed and have no manners or taste, Queenslanders are a bit slow onthe uptake, Tasmanians are inbred, South Australians have inferiority complexes (for good reasons) and over in West Australia they are just gungho bogan cowboys. As for the territories well please do we really need to explain that Canberra is full of lazy up themself public servants and politicians? And that Darwin is just a refuge for those on the run from the law? Of course not.

So what do we put our superiorness down to? This is what TheAge says about Victoria’s betterness (I have bolded the main points for the dimwits from other states):

So what’s going on? It seems that if you are a conservative in Victoria, you’re probably more a small-l liberal than a turn-back-the-boats sort. When he became premier, Ted Baillieu was under pressure to scrap the Human Rights Charter – loathed by the far right as the epitome of legislative evil – but he decided to keep it.

Jeff Kennett, for all his bluster, condemned the racial policies of Pauline Hanson in the late-1990s with more force than any other politician, and now spends some of his days campaigning against discrimination against gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex people. Victoria may have been once dubbed the jewel in the Liberal Party crown, but the last prime minister we produced – Malcolm Fraser – quit the party in dismay over what he saw was its shift to the right.

Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the union presence. Maybe it’s the waves of successful migration. One guess is that it goes back to the Labor reforms of the early 1970s, out of which emerged a non-threatening, middle-of-the-road party, appealing to moderate Victorians.

It’s there wherever you look. Sydney radio presenter Alan Jones appears ridiculous to Melburnians. We just don’t like that kind of talk. Most Australians support gay marriage, but nowhere more strongly than in Victoria. At the republic referendum in 1999, the state with the highest ”yes” vote was Victoria.

”Left” and ”right” are tired terms that can’t pick up the nuance of people’s views, the genuine difference of opinion, the greys in any argument. But we Victorians are generally socially progressive, supportive of multiculturalism, wary of extremes of any kind.

Well yeah there is something in all that I suppose. Then again we have more than our fare share of bogans in places like Dandenong, Moe, Shepparton, Frankston, Geelong West, Craigieburn, Cranbourne South and in fact the entire Western Suburbs. There are even some bogans in Patterson Lakes but only at the caravan park where I live (we keep them on the west boundary) but the thing is that we have so many smart and better people that our average IQ and coolness outweighs all that and still puts us streets ahead of all other states.

And then of course there is another reason for Vic being “it”.

The thing The age overlooked.

I hate to state the bloody obvious but I will state it:

Melbourne is the birthplace and the heartland of AFL footy

And that says it all.

And on that note here are the tips for Latte State round:

Geelong v Essendon: There playing for the Danks Drugcheaters Cup. Geelong will win because they have been taking peptides for a longer time than Essendon … and they have 3 recent premierships to prove it.

Port Adelaide v Richmond: Despite there inferiorness the Port bogans will beat the Richmond bogans easily.

Brisbane v West Coast: Hayseeds v Cowboys – who cares?

Western Footscray Bulldogs v North Melbourne: The suburb of Footscray should be bulldozed and made into a carpark. That would clear up the drug problem over there.

Hawthorn v Sydney: Grand final replay. Or battle of the fuglies? Sydney still has the Goodes.

Fremantle v Collingwood: A toss up but I will go for the purple haze.

Greater Western Sydney v Adelaide: This is another ‘whocares’ game. And if GWS are really from western Sydney why arent there any muslims in there side?

Melbourne v Gold Coast: Its mothers day – no one will turn up.

St Kilda v Carlton: The Sainters are due … and Ray will disown me if I dont pick them.

Dont all rush in at once with your comments. Here are some more tips:

Queenslanders – take your time.

Syndneyysiders – try to be polite.

Taswegians – oh, you dont have the Internet?

Croweaters – go on dont be scared.

Western Aussies – get over yourselfs.

That is all.