Home » Australian Politics » New Again Dear Leader to make a stellar announcement today

New Again Dear Leader to make a stellar announcement today

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Sandpit Exclusive

I am glad to be able to share with our readers the result of a leak from within the ALP of the New Again Dear Leader’s visionary plans to relocate our entire Air force to a brand new location with a new global mission. Today at the debate with Tony Abbott the New Again Dear Leader will be announcing that our primary air base will be the international space station which the New Again Dear Leader has agreed to buy at a minuscule Billion billion dollars. and to pay for this great leap forward the New Again Dear Leader will be instituting a new tax on orgasms made possible by the interactive possibilities of smart phone technology ,twitter and the NBN.

Find below an extract from a draft  the New Again Dear Leader’s opening speech also leaked to the Sandpit:

Friends we face the  great challenge of just how we can be a global player in the affairs of the world when we are so isolated in the southern hemisphere and all of the great theatres of war are in the north, So to answer this global challenge there can be only one way that we can have the correct technological specificity and ensure that we have the most certain suck of the sauce bottle we have to nationalise the international space station and make it the forward operating base for our aircraft. Of course Mister Abbott will tell you that this can not be done and that we as a nation can not afford  the cost of such a scheme but what else would you expect from the man who has been so negative? He has no vision and no understanding of the greatness that the Australian Labor Party can bring to this nation of ours.

Further on in the speech he explains just how  the orgasm tax will work:

Its is well known that we are a nation of innovators and that is why this new O-tax will be such a screaming success,  by implanting a sub-dermal micro chip under the skin of every Australian and linking their output to the NBN we will be able to tell when every Australian experiences orgasm and they will then be charged the minuscule sum of  $5.68.  to incentivise the nation there will be a discount for those who orgasm with the greatest frequency, so   with 24 million Aussies reaching a crescendo of pleasure, pulling for the nation so to speak, on a regular basis we will very quickly  accumulate enough funds to fund both the purchase the space station and the supporting infrastructure .

Being a man of political balance I have of course sought  out a response from the leader of the opposition and a spokesperson  for Tony Abbott told me this over the phone:

“Rudd is just projecting his masturbation fantasies here mate just as he is about moving the Navy north its all a load of rubbish about buying the space station however I do think the orgasm tax is a dinkum Idea from the New Again Dear Leader and its designed to drain the funds from the Greens who we all know are the biggest mob of wankers in the country …”

So in the end this is obviously the sort of nonsense that we can expect form a desperate regime who know that they are beaten and will promise the country the skies themselves even though they know and we know that they know that they are incapable of delivering any of their ever more fanciful wild promises.

Cheers Comrades

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15 Comments

  1. JamesJ says:

    We have always been a country that has pulled together, so I’ll continue hold my end up, we all should be rooting for Australia.

  2. Ray Dixon says:

    So let me get this straight, Iain – you’ve stopped taking the election seriously, you don’t want to objectively commentate or debate and you’re only interested in full-on lampooning of Kevin Rudd and the government?

  3. Iain Hall says:

    Ray
    Why does it have to be an either or between straight commentary and Lampooning Rudd? I see no reason why I can’t do both. However lets be frank when Rudd runs silly things up the flagpole like his mad idea t0 move the navy fleet base from Garden Island to Brisbane or his other recent brain fart then surely he has ceased to be at all credible and I see no reason to treat seriously that which is just inherently silly and I think that Rudd has jumped the shark now and that nothing he says or does can be taken seriously. The leaders debate tonight should be interesting and I predict that Rudd will be even more frantic.

    James

    It has just occurred to me that women may just hate the O-tax for obvious biological reasons, firstly there is the tax implications of Multiple orgasms, and secondly there is the issue of those who fake it being detected by the sub-dermal microchips…

  4. James says:

    Well I for one Ian am more than happy to pay my taxes, thrice over if need-be, I mean it’s my duty isn’t it.

    I mean that the resulting of Unions made today/tonight, well when ever, no not those bloody unions, ensures future generations don’t have to beg for all the handouts they will be expecting.

    As for faking it, I’ve never faked it, always straight up front and to the point, a real person offering real solutions to assist those in need.

    Anyway, paying an Orgasm Tax, sure beats the hell out of a Carbon Tax, anyday.

  5. Ray Dixon says:

    I see no reason why I can’t do both.

    Then do both, Iain. So far in this election period you’ve predominantly been poking fun at Rudd without any analytical comment. And you let Abbott’s absurd policies (like “buying the boats”) completely off the hook. No balance, mate.

  6. Iain Hall says:

    Ray
    I see nothing fundamentally wrong with the buy the old boats policy as part of the suite of measures to dissuade the people smuggling trade. And I fail to see that there is any obligation for me to defend the Rudd Government. But when it comes to providing a pro Labor argument you are most welcome to post any thing you please arguing for a Labor re-election but I note that even you have abandoned the habit of a lifetime and will not be voting Labor either this time.

    After six years of Labor silliness I have very little generosity left for them, which is not unlike the average voter as far as I can tell.

  7. Ray Dixon says:

    Iain, I don’t expect you to “defend the Rudd government”. My point is that your criticisms are too much of the mocking variety and are without substance.

    As for “buying the boats” – it’s a totally ludicrous proposition. To start with, how do they force boat owners to sell?

  8. Iain Hall says:

    Ray
    by the time boats are old enough for people smuggling they are not worth much and its only the no longer valuable for fishing or inter Island trade that they would be for sale anyway and that would not be every boat Indonesia as you seem to be suggesting. so for a couple of grand AU the smugglers would be short a boat or three and a each boat load that departs costs millions to process it seems like good deal to me .

    Oh and a short piece of mockery is often more effective in ,making a point than a long and dreary essay that attempts to be all scholarly and serious.

  9. Ray Dixon says:

    The boat buying is simplistic nonsense, Iain.

  10. GD says:

    The boat buying is simplistic nonsense

    I tend to agree with that. Abbott should stick with TPVs and the rest of the Howard solution.

  11. GD says:

    Re Rudd and his ridiculous Navy relocation thought-bubble

  12. Ray Dixon says:

    O’Farrell is over-rating himself. He doesn’t get a say on whether the Navy moves to Qld or not. I’m glad Rudd saved the 30c on the phone call.

  13. Iain Hall says:

    The mooted move the navy base thing is a perfect example of Labor thinking and their over worked desire to change things for the sake of change there is no pressing strategic reason for this move, no suitable deep water births in Brisbane, no adequate industrial capacity to do the job and more important lt Rudd is heading for electoral oblivion so there is no chance that it will happen any way.

  14. Richard Ryan says:

    A major defence system in the heart of Sydney is a God- send for a major attack on Australian soil, I reckon Sydney would be the No 1 choice of any Terrorist Group——maybe we need Yankee Soldiers on the streets of Sydney—KingsX sex-workers would be happy-giggle-giggle.

  15. Richard Ryan says:

    Stop The Boats—–Leaving Garden Island. snigger-snigger.

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